


despite us

by zimtlein



Series: keeping it (together) [2]
Category: Pocket Monsters | Pokemon (Main Video Game Series), Pocket Monsters: Sword & Shield | Pokemon Sword & Shield Versions
Genre: Complicated Relationships, Developing Relationship, F/M, Mild Sexual Content, Multi, Polyamorous Character
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-24
Updated: 2020-02-24
Packaged: 2021-02-27 19:55:43
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,794
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22881367
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zimtlein/pseuds/zimtlein
Summary: Sonia does her best to be what both Leon and Raihan need her to be.Maybe it isn’t enough.
Relationships: Dande | Leon/Kibana | Raihan, Dande | Leon/Kibana | Raihan/Sonia, Dande | Leon/Sonia, Kibana | Raihan/Sonia
Series: keeping it (together) [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1644730
Comments: 10
Kudos: 45





	despite us

**Author's Note:**

> It's not really necessary to have read the first part of this series to understand what is going on here. The first part is a bit more lighthearted, at least. (I wanted to keep it that way, but the characters had other plans, it seems ...)

She can see them from the window. It’s unusually warm outside, leaves floating to the ground, weaving a net of oranges and reds. Leon’s Charizard nuzzles its snout against Raihan, making him laugh and softly push the Pokémon away. Then Leon takes his Charizard’s place and presses a kiss against his boyfriend’s cheek. They smile at each other. Raihan wraps his arm around Leon’s waist. He’s taller than Leon, his chin coming to rest on the other’s head almost naturally.

“Are you okay?”

Hop’s voice wrenches her from her thoughts. She gives a cough and plasters on her best smile. “Of course! Why?”

It’s almost eerie to see Hop with that stern an expression. “I wasn’t that surprised when the two of them got together. They’ve always been close. But …” He scratches the back of his neck. “You don’t look chuffed at all. You never do when you see them together.”

“Really?” She keeps smiling. “I am happy for them, though.”

He hasn’t stopped scratching his neck, and the corners of his mouth are twitching, and eventually he sighs. “Okay then. I didn’t mean to pry. Sorry.”

Sonia doesn’t know what to say, so she doesn’t say anything.

The laboratory is vacant except for them and her Yamper, wagging his tail as he runs towards his trainer. It’s late already. Hop is putting bookmarks between pages, closing a few of his books. His laptop is still opened. A scientific paper on the effect of ice typing on Pokémon’s organs. Just reproductive work, something short for one of his classes, but nevertheless. He is a clever boy. Never gives himself enough credit. Always works too hard and for too long. Whenever Sonia tries to tell him as much, he simply shrugs it off.

Leon enters the room without much hesitation, his Charizard following shortly behind. Almost instantly, Hop greets him with a beam and a hearty hug. Meanwhile, Raihan saunters over to her, greets her with a kiss on the cheek. For a second too long he doesn’t lean away, his hand lingering on her arm. The smile he sends her makes her fingertips tingle.

“That’s a surprise,” she says.

“We wanted to see you.” He straightens his back, his hands tucked into his jacket’s pockets. “Or rather, Leon did. He has something planned for you two.”

She doesn’t know what to do with this information. “You don’t want to come with?”

“You deserve some alone time, don’t you?”

She tries to find a hint of aversion, tries to recognize if the words are tense, and doesn’t find anything wrong with them. She thinks. Her Yamper is jumping up Raihan’s legs, waggling his tail in excitement. With a little laugh, Raihan bends down and lets Yamper lick his hands. At the contact, tiny sparks are flying through the air. Raihan doesn’t seem to be bothered by it.

“Sonia.” As always, Leon says her name softly. Her heart doubles up in speed. Another kiss on her cheek, this time the left one. It’s different from Raihan’s, gentler and less suggestive. His eyes are crinkling as he smiles. His Charizard huffs and nuzzles against her hair, hot air escaping his nostrils. She laughs quietly and pats his neck.

“Are you going to visit mum and dad?” Hop asks.

Leon turns to his brother, his smile apologetic. “I have plans with Sonia.”

“Aw, come on.” Hop sighs. “I don’t even remember the last time we had a proper chat. You are so busy these days.”

“Tell you what, little one,” Raihan says, bending down to throw an arm around Hop’s shoulder. “We’re going to have a late evening walk to Motostoke, and you’re going to tell me all about your fancy research work and impress me with your technical terms. Sounds good?”

Hop is still pouting. “I mean, mum and dad would have been buzzing. I haven’t visited them for some time either.”

“Or,” Raihan goes on, “we take a walk to your parent’s, and you’ll still tell me all about the stuff you are working on. You see, I’m curious.”

Hop’s eyes land on his brother. “Why don’t you come with us? What do the two of you have planned?”

Sonia wills herself to not turn red, because frankly, she doesn’t have a clue. It will be the first time in a long while that she’s completely alone with Leon. The thought alone sends her heart racing.

“Eh, you know.” Leon scratches the back of his neck, and the fact that the two brothers use such similar gestures almost makes her chuckle. “Got some catching-up to do. Next time, we’ll definitely visit mum and dad, I promise you.”

“You promise me,” Hop repeats. He stretches out his little finger to Leon. “Then really promise me.”

“Sure.” Leon hooks his own finger in.

It doesn’t take long until Hop has discarded his lab coat and collected all his stuff. He leaves with Raihan, the latter winking at both of them before they are out of the door. Sonia is left with burning cheeks and tense shoulders. She slips into her trench coat and sends Leon a questioning look.

“Where are we going to go? Do I need to fetch Yamper’s Poké ball?”

“It’s a surprise.” Leon looks at her. The warmth in his eyes is almost too much. “I think you won’t need any distractions.”

Charizard seems to understand what this implies, and he gives a discontent huff. While searching for Yamper’s Poké ball underneath her scattered documents, she listens to Leon calming down his Pokémon. His soft words, the tone of his voice. She remembers kissing him, hearing the same tone, his breath breaking on his lips. She shudders. When she finds the Poké ball, she doesn’t hesitate to call Yamper back.

They leave, Charizard back in his Poké ball too. She doesn’t know what to say. Where to start. The sun is setting, and Wedgehurst seems as drowsy as ever. Leon tells her to lead the way – east, he says, laughingly adding that without her as a guide, they would probably get lost. There’s nothing in the east of Wedgehurst besides trees and fields, but she trusts him.

Once the paths they take are devoid of people, Leon’s hand brushes hers. She glances down at it, looks into Leon’s eyes. A shimmer of hesitation. Then their fingers intertwine, and her stomach is doing flips.

Nobody is here to see them, though. Nobody would have minded if Raihan was in her place, no matter where they would have been or who would have recognized them.

She directs her gaze at the empty fields before her.

They start talking about mundane stuff. She doesn’t dare speak of her true thoughts, and she isn’t sure if he would even want to hear them. It’s already dark when they come to a halt, quite a distance between them and Wedgehurst. Leon lets go of her hand and grabs her shoulders. He turns her around until she is looking over fields. They are on the highest point of a hill south to Route 2, and their position reveals a whole conglomeration of lights. Stars above them, white spots in the distance stemming from far away cities and towns, the Wild Area a giant spot of black amongst dotted whites. It almost doesn’t look like Galar anymore.

“It’s pretty in the night. Found this spot when I wanted to visit my parents and, well, took the wrong path.” In the way he scratches his cheek, she can see how nervous Leon is. “I thought you might like it. Maybe.”

She smiles at him. “It’s beautiful.”

He smiles back. She wishes she could see which color his cheeks turn in the darkness. “Just like you are.”

Her heart does a jump. How many times did she dream of such words? How many nights did she lie awake, thinking about him?

“I think I am jealous,” she forces herself to say, quickly and painlessly.

His smile falls. “Jealous?”

“Of Raihan.”

Another beat. She regrets her words. If this is the only chance she gets, she is ruining it. With a deep breath, she takes a tiny step back to regain her composure.

“I don’t get it,” she admits. “What we are doing. All three of us. We are dating, I know, but still. I don’t feel the same way about Raihan as I feel about you. And whenever I look at you, whenever I realize that the two of you can be affectionate in public, but I can’t – I feel, I …” She clasps her hands, stares at them, presses her fingers into the hollows above her knuckles until it hurts.

“Sonia …”

A moment of silence. She looks at the stars before her again. It’s beautiful. Her heart clenches.

Then Leon sits down, and when he pats the spot next to him, she hesitantly follows suit.

“Can I tell you how we came up with the idea?”

She sends him a side-glance. Then she nods.

“We got drunk. Got some expensive wine from a chap that was a fan of mine. Raihan kept asking me about women. Who I would like to go out with, or … you know.” A nervous laugh. “Then, well, we started talking about you. And I think, maybe, that Raihan knows me better than I would have guessed. He started to suggest we ask you out. Together. I thought it was meant as a joke, but he told me he knows. He knows that I, uhm, that … What you mean to me.”

“Never seemed like I mean a lot to you.” Only a mumble of a few words. She wants to take them back, but it’s already too late. The ensuing silence is deafening.

“It’s hard,” Leon answers eventually. He sounds oddly sober. “Trying to convince yourself that there is only that one person for you. Knowing that you are lying to yourself. I thought it would go away if I avoided you. Out of sight, out of mind, you know?”

She looks at her fingernails. Turquoise and long. She needed an hour to make them look that even. “Did it work?”

“No. It didn’t.”

She wants to understand. She lifts her head and looks at him. His eyes are on her.

“What we have,” he goes on, “is different from what Raihan and I have. And what Raihan and you have – it’s different, too.” He seems to search for something in her eyes. “What we three have together, that’s something different entirely. But if you feel like this is not going to work – if it’s something you just can’t do – then I understand. I won’t blame you. I won’t be angry or disappointed.” A weak smile. “I’ll just be a tad sad, maybe. For a while.”

She doesn’t have to ask. If she were to refuse, it’s clear who of the three of them would end up alone. It’s clear that it’s the only possible outcome.

“And we can be affectionate in public, too,” he adds. “Whenever you are ready for it.”

A disbelieving laugh escapes her. “The press would love to pick that up. Are you sure you want to explain it to them?”

Leon shrugs. He looks a bit sheepish, but there is determination behind his words. “Who cares? I’m not ashamed to be with two amazing people at the same time. I wager all of them would be jealous.”

Her amusement fades. She always dreamt of a husband, a beautiful house and beautiful kids. Sometimes, she even dreamt of Leon smiling at her in their pretty little front garden. She dreamt of someone to be able to lean on. A someone that belongs to her. A someone that would choose her, and only her.

It’s unthinkable. Raihan being by her side. Being there for her. Adoring her, loving her. She can’t even kiss him as lovingly as she should. She doesn’t feel her heart beat the same way it does when she looks at Leon.

Her mouth runs dry. Her eyes sting. There is nothing to turn to but the starry sky before her.

Losing Leon hurt less than this does, she thinks.

She remembers that one time in Wyndon, shortly before the champion cup. Raihan’s and Leon’s first time competing. They were seventeen back then, and she never caught a Pokémon besides Yamper. No wonder you only won one badge, Raihan used to say. The easiest gym leader of them all, located in Hulbury back then. A water gym, so not too difficult with her electric type. Raihan liked to look down on her, being smug about every tiny success even back then.

In Wyndon, she saw him cry for the first time.

Nerves. That was all. He was sweating and shaking, thinking about what it would feel like to lose. A vulnerable boy. She got an ice cream for him (pistachio, because he loves pistachio ice cream). She went over type advantages with him. She let him explain his team’s move set thoroughly.

He didn’t win.

He didn’t cry in front of her ever again.

She likes Hammerlocke, she thinks. She isn’t sure if a city like this really fits Raihan. His flat is not as imposing as she thought, but not as untidy as Leon’s either. He brings her a cup of tea. Green mint mocha, her favorite. Her fingers are shaking. The cup is too hot, and her fingertips start to hurt. She stares at the liquid, watches the tea bag float around with the movements she causes.

“How was your date?” Raihan doesn’t look at her. They are in front of his telly, and he’s playing a game she’s never heard of. His fingers move over the controller. It would be impolite if she didn’t know that he is doing this for her. Being stared at as she is talking would have been nerve-wracking. She looks at her tea again.

“You didn’t talk to Leon yet?”

“No. He’s got some work to do in the Battle Tower. We’re both busy people.”

She closes her eyes. But there is no way around it. “Doesn’t it bother you?”

“What?”

“That he’d rather spend his free time with me than with you.”

She said it softly, hesitantly. Raihan pans the camera around. His character is running through a dark city. The whole game seems aimless, dull.

“He told me you are having doubts.” He is dodging the question. Sonia raises her eyebrows.

“It feels … I don’t know, it just feels …”

Words fail her. She takes a sip of her tea and almost burns her tongue. It tastes of nothing.

“It feels like it takes effort?” Raihan offers. Something about his words is sharp, and she flinches.

“That’s not – well, it does, but it’s not what I mean.”

“Of course it isn’t what you mean.” His character runs through darkness, tries to open locked doors. His weapon is a knife. She wonders what he is supposed to do with it. “It doesn’t feel right, you mean. It doesn’t feel right ’cause with Leon, it feels effortless. It feels like falling in love _should_ feel. Happy and rainbows and all that shite. It’s easy. It’s easy, isn’t it?”

He didn’t say it angrily. She doesn’t know what to do. “That’s not –”

“You think,” he puts the controller down with more force than necessary, the clacking sound making her wince, “love should be easy. But maybe love is hard work. Maybe there is more to a relationship than shitting rainbows and living happily ever after, eh? Maybe that’s why you are scared. There’s an effort. You’ve never been good with effort, have you? You’ve never been good at giving something your all, right?”

He is still staring at the telly. She is staring at him. Her hands are shaking. She is glad there is a source of warmth between her fingers as coldness starts running through her veins.

“Shit.” Raihan sighs, hides his face behind his hands. “I’m sorry, Sonia.”

She can’t move. Can’t even bring herself to put a hand on his back calmingly.

“I’m trying,” she whispers. “I’m trying to fall for you. But I’m not sure I can give both of you what you need from me.”

“You think I’m not trying to do the same?”

She stays silent.

Maybe Raihan is right. Maybe she’s not good at making an effort, and maybe he’s still not good at dealing with defeat. Maybe it’s a skill, recognizing your weaknesses and working on them. She puts the cup on the table and takes the controller. Moving is easy, but when her character lands on an open street, she feels lost.

“You jump with X,” Raihan explains. “If you had a gun, you’d shoot with the shoulder buttons.”

“Why don’t you have one?”

“Forgot to buy it.”

She hesitates. But there is no way to light up the atmosphere. Instead, she makes her character move forward.

Sonia still sleeps on the couch. Neither Leon nor Raihan commented on it. She usually gets up earlier than the other two, makes herself a cup of coffee, and stares at Wyndon slowly awakening from its slumber. This time, however, she stops in front of the kitchen. Watches Raihan kiss Leon’s cheek, jaw, the corner of his mouth. Doesn’t look away as their lips lock. Listens to Leon’s sigh, and sees Raihan’s hand on Leon’s back. She doesn’t know if she should find the sight sweet, or arousing, or if it tears something inside her apart.

Raihan notices her. He breaks the kiss, but doesn’t let go of Leon. “Morning.”

“Sorry,” she mumbles, wanting to turn away. Leon’s voice stops her, though.

“You are more than welcome to join us.”

She remembers their first kiss. It seemed unreal back then, and it seems unreal now.

“I have morning breath.”

“Bollocks.” Raihan stretches out an arm for her. “Come here.”

She takes a breath and makes an effort. Hesitantly, she comes closer and lets herself fall into their arms. Both men are taller than her, and she almost feels lost between them. At first, she doesn’t know what to do with her own arms, but then decides to lean her cheek on Leon’s shoulder and wrap her arms around both of them. While Leon has a T-shirt on, Raihan slept topless. His skin is warm and carries a smell that decidedly belongs to him.

“Comfortable?” Leon asks. His lips find the tip of her nose, brushing over her skin until goosebumps rise on her arms.

“I think she is,” Raihan laughs. He is more careful than Leon, the only touch he gives her being a hand on her waist. She is honestly glad. Closing her eyes, she gives a contented sound.

It’s the first time they make coffee together. She tries to keep their preferences in mind: Raihan likes his dark and without sugar, and Leon adds two spoonsful of sugar and a dash of milk. They start talking about the league. Leon is working in the Battle Tower together with Gloria, the champion’s sister. Wickedly talented, he says. No wonder one of the twins became champion.

Raihan has to leave them after a while, telling them he has to take care of his apprentices. After taking a shower and getting dressed, he comes back into the kitchen to give Leon a light kiss on the cheek. Sonia gets a pat on her shoulder. It’s thoughtful, sure, but before he can go, she grabs his wrist, pulls him back, and attempts to kiss his cheek. Her lips land on Raihan’s instead.

“Oh,” she says as she backs away. Quickly, she lets go of his hand again. “I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to …”

The initial surprise falls from Raihan face. He leans closer again, grasping her chin. “No need to be shy now, cheeky minx. Just say you wanted to kiss me that badly.”

“That’s not …” She stumbles over her words, feeling her face turn hot. “You know that’s not …!”

With a laugh, Raihan lets go of her and ruffles her hair. “Have a nice day, you two.”

Her face is still hot when the entrance door clicks shut. She can hear muffled laughter next to her and looks up to find Leon’s eyes on her. She wonders if the affection in them is the same one he feels for Raihan, and then she remembers that it isn’t. There’s Raihan and Leon, and there’s Leon and her.

“He likes teasing you,” Leon says.

She groans. “You don’t say.”

“He likes to tease. In general.” He rolls his eyes. “You remember our gym challenge? He used to drive me nuts. Even when he lost to me – he was such a stubborn git.”

She knew it. Another kind of affection. She can’t tell what the difference really is.

“Can I ask you something?” She doesn’t look at him, watches the last traces of coffee in her cup.

“Go ahead.”

She sways her cup from one side to the other. “You are the driving force behind this. Do you want to – is it that you want to be Raihan’s and my boyfriend, or do you want Raihan and me to be close, too?” She feels her face turn hot again and wonders why she can’t talk about it without her heart doing flips. It shouldn’t be that hard. “You know what I mean, right? Do we share you? Or should we – I mean, you know …?”

“He fancied you. During our gym challenge.”

She snaps her head up. Leon’s cheek is propped on his hand, and he is watching her.

“He did not,” she responds. “He’s always liked you.”

“He hasn’t. He really fancied you. When he lost to me in the champion cup, he told me he doesn’t want to see you for the next two months. Because he disappointed you.”

Raihan always talked her down. Always ran after Leon. Never looked back once. It’s so absurd that she has to laugh.

“You are taking the mickey.”

“I’m not.”

She laughs again. Looks at her cup.

“I’m not the driving force behind this,” Leon continues. “If it wasn’t for Raihan, I would have buried my feelings for you forever. But as it stands …”

She shoves the cup from her. “So you would be okay with it. If I kissed him. If I went further with him.”

“Raihan and I …” Leon pauses. He doesn’t meet her eyes anymore. “We sleep together. Without you. But we don’t want there to be any kind of hierarchy. So of course you can – if you want to … The third party doesn’t have to be there.”

“Won’t that third party feel excluded?”

“If they do,” Leon’s hand finds hers, curls around her fingers, “we can always talk about it.”

She can’t decide whether it sounds easy or like hard work. Sweet looks, and gestures, and words – they are always easy, she supposes.

“Then … even though Raihan isn’t here right now, we could …”

She interrupts herself. Still looks at their hands, not at him.

“In theory,” she adds hastily.

“In theory,” he confirms.

It doesn’t turn into more than a theory.

She remembers that one time in Motostoke, shortly after their gym challenge started. Raihan was a random kid, following them since they ran into him in the Wild Area. A kid with too much energy and too much sass. The first time Leon kicked his butt, Sonia was all over Leon, giving him compliments and ignoring that annoying kid stubbornly.

In Motostoke, she suddenly found herself alone.

Of course, she shouldn’t have trusted Leon’s sense of direction. He wasn’t at the meeting spot they had agreed on, and she searched two hours to finally find him near the city’s river. A hot summer day, and he was eating ice cream with Raihan. That annoying kid she didn’t even find necessary to remember. That annoying kid with his stupid sharp teeth that made him look like he couldn’t afford braces. That annoying kid, talking to Leon as if he knew him for a lifetime.

“Just watch me,” Raihan told Leon back then, pushing his shoulder. “You’ll be sorry for ever underestimating me.”

“I’d like to see that happen,” Leon laughed.

She watched their backs. Her Yamper was next to her, she remembers. Her Yamper was by her side. And there they were, two boys touching each other too casually, smiling at each other too fondly, a fire between them she never experienced herself.

She waited a long time before she finally joined them.

They give her the space she needs. She is proofreading Hop’s thesis. He put a lot of work into his research, less so into his writing. Some pages are filled with red question marks, and she almost feels bad about it, knowing how much Hop cares. She pinches the bridge of her nose. Her first years at university weren’t easy either. Now, her master’s degree is only sluggishly coming along. It doesn’t matter that much to her. The only one she can disappoint is herself, she learned.

Her eyes find Leon and Raihan. They are sitting on the couch, the controller in Leon’s hand.

“You are hopeless,” Raihan sighs. “Give me that.”

“You are shite at this game,” Leon states bluntly. She almost has to laugh out loud.

“I’m not.” Raihan leans over, attempting to snatch the controller for himself. He doesn’t succeed. “Leon, you are being mean.”

“I’m being honest.”

“Then I’ll be honest. You suck.”

Leon gasps at him, faux indignation in his eyes. “You don’t mean that.”

They start jostling for the controller. On the telly, the player character moves around chaotically. Eventually, Raihan manages to fetch the controller for himself. He’s tall enough that when he leans away, Leon has no chance of getting the controller back again.

“You are making me really dislike you,” Leon grumbles, crossing his arms. He looks almost cute, Sonia begins to think.

“Yeah, yeah. Love you too,” Raihan says with a grin.

Uttered so casually. Three little words with so much meaning. Sonia stares at Raihan. Tries to imagine those words being directed at her and can’t wrap her head around it. It doesn’t take long until Leon leans his cheek against Raihan’s shoulder. She’s flushing, she realizes, and she turns to the papers in front of her again.

Letters blur into indistinctive patterns. Every time she reads a sentence, its meaning vanishes from her mind again. She taps the end of her pen against her lips. Glances at the telly. A cutscene is playing, and she notices Raihan’s hand in Leon’s hair, fingers running through it. She feels out of place, somehow. Like a voyeur. Nasty, icky, and she forces herself to concentrate on her work.

They could always talk about it, Leon said.

She has no idea how to even begin. She has no idea how to put her doubts into words, because a tiny voice inside her warns her that it will never be enough. That she will never be enough.

She catches Raihan throwing a look at her. She wonders how much of what Leon told her was the truth, because it takes only a moment for Raihan to look away again. It’s better to not think about it too hard.

She can’t stop thinking about it.

“Leon told me something.”

He isn’t playing a game this time. At her words, he lifts his head. Green mint mocha – that’s some fancy tea, she has to admit. She always buys it in Wyndon, because she wouldn’t get it anywhere else. She knows that Raihan doesn’t drink green tea. He likes earl grey, no milk, no sugar.

She puts the cup away. Late evening, the sun dipping the whole room into hazy colors. Leon is busy with work, and it probably was a stupid idea to turn up unannounced. It’s too late to back down now, though.

“That you,” she starts and can’t continue. She tries again, “That you, I mean, six years ago. That you … You fancied me.”

Raihan seems unfazed. She waits for a reaction, for an answer, for anything. Nothing happens. As if he is urging her to go on. She has nothing to go on about.

“Is it true?” she eventually asks.

“Do you think it is?”

She waits for a clarification. None follows. They are facing each other, and he is in comfortable clothes, and his pose speaks of disinterest, and she can’t hold back a snort.

“No, you don’t get to do this. You don’t get to be all vague now. If this is going to work, I’ll need the truth.”

Raihan’s intense stare almost makes her wince. “Right. Let’s say I did. What’s the point in telling you?” He raises his eyebrows. “So your ego gets stroked? Aw, Miss Perfect, I think almost all of Galar likes you a ton, don’t you worry.”

“You didn’t answer my question,” she presses.

With a dry laugh, he crosses his arms and looks away. Shadows are dancing over his face. “And I'm asking you. What would it change?”

Everything. Nothing. She doesn't know. All she wants is to understand. So she keeps staring at him, studying his profile. The curve of his nose, of his lips. The way he knits his eyebrows. The tension in his jaw. Seconds tick by. The silence becomes uncomofortable, and she refuses to give in.

Eventually, he sighs. “Okay. I did. You happy? It was daft, but it happened.”

His defensiveness somehow ticks her off. “And you fell for Leon afterwards?”

“Yeah.”

“Why did you never tell me?”

“Why the bloody hell should I have?” His leg is fidgeting, small movements he repeats again and again. “So you could tell me that Leon wins once again? I wasn’t that stupid.”

That’s strange. It’s strange that she asked, and that he answered the way he did. It’s strange, all of it, and suddenly it makes sense. It somehow does. She should find it disconcerting, but there’s a tinge of excitement right in the pit of her stomach. She should feel bad, but she doesn’t.

“You think you are losing,” she utters her realization.

“Losing?” Another laugh. This time a bitter one. He has never seen him that restless. “Losing to whom? You? As if.”

Any word gets stuck in her throat. She reaches for his face. Touches his cheek, and he lets her. He lets her fingertips wander over stubble, lets her knuckles trace the line of his jaw. Eventually, her hand settles on his cheek, softly turning his head to look at her. His eyes shimmer with an emotion she has never seen on him before. The moment feels intimate, fragile.

“Raihan,” she whispers. “Do you really want this?”

He doesn’t answer. His breaths are shaky, his hand reaching up to hold hers.

It might sound easy. A simple calculation. It’s nothing compared to reality.

“Do you really want me?” she therefore asks.

No reaction. She searches for an answer in his eyes, searches until she notices that he is leaning forward. Further, further, and he kisses her. There is nothing playful about it, not anymore. It’s a raw kiss, a vulnerable one, so honest that it’s almost too much.

“I want you,” he breathes onto her lips.

It’s a feeling she knows, a tone that creeps over her skin. She kisses him. She kisses him softly, more demandingly, until their desperation becomes a battle. He doesn’t like to lose, and she never cared before. She never cared, and it’s odd to do so now, to return his rough kisses and rake her nails over his skin, to hear him groan at the contact and growl and snarl like an animal. His touches become hasty, never exploring her as well as he could have. As if he fears just one moment of distraction could change her mind.

She doesn’t change her mind.

When he wants to push her down, she holds him back, mumbling her disapproval. His skin is hot. Wherever she touches him, she feels muscles twitching underneath her fingertips. She kisses his jaw, sucks on his neck, tries to educe more sounds from him. More moans, more desperately whispered words. She slides lower, pushes his shirt up and over his head. Raihan’s body is a work of art, she muses, and she wonders for a brief moment just how much effort he puts into everything he does.

“Don’t move,” she whispers, and sinks to her knees in front of him.

She has never been bold. She always liked to be told what to do. She wanted to trust. Wanted it to be easy, without thought. Now she has Raihan watching her with a strained expression. She wonders how many times he thought about this, imagined this. If he ever did, or if it was that kind of crush that sends nothing but your heart flying. She pushes his trousers down. Slowly, not letting go of his eyes. Nails scratching his thighs. He seems to want to touch her, his pupils dilated, but he doesn’t.

She kisses him over his trunk’s fabric. Grabs onto his thigh. Her long nails sink into his flesh, and she watches as he throws his head back with a groan. His hands are still twitching next to him.

“Look at me,” she tells him.

He does. Without question. It’s electrifying, the feeling of having him at her mercy. Discovering a layer she would have never ascribed to him. 

“Do you want this?” she asks.

“Fuck, Sonia,” he bites out. “Yes.”

“Then beg for it.”

He looks like he wants to laugh, but there’s too much desperation in his eyes, too much wanton, and he exhales shakily. He starts whispering her name, starts whispering what he dreamt of doing to her, what he wants her to do to him, and she can’t hold back. Not anymore. His voice urging her on as she teases him, takes him in, listening to how his breath hitches and how his words get jumbled and messy and it’s such a satisfying feeling, breaking him bit by bit until there is nothing left, breaking something she has thought unbreakable, watching him crumble because of her, just because of her.

She drinks it all in. His words, the taste of him. His heavy breathing fills the air as she backs away, wipes her lips with the back of her hand.

“Sonia.” He looks at her out of lazy eyes. The softness in his voice makes her shiver. “Come here.”

“You don’t have to –”

“I want to.”

She never demanded anything for herself. She has never been more than an afterthought, and the realization doesn’t hurt. It doesn’t. His soft kisses over her sternum, the way he carefully pushes her shirt up until she is exposed in front of him; it offsets any other thought threatening to overtake her mind. He is slower now, softer, seems to listen to any noise she makes.

His fingers know how to work her. He varies the angle, making her pant first, then cry out at the sensation. She wraps her arms around his neck. Determines the rhythm. Gets lost in the welling feeling, and she can’t stop, not now, can’t do anything but abide by her decision, and her hips are jerking against his touches, wilder and desperately, seeking a release only he can give her.

In the end, she collapses against him, spent and tired.

She doesn’t let go of him. Listens to his heartbeat against her chest. His scent fills her nostrils. She closes her eyes, and she thinks she could fall asleep like this, could disregard anything that doesn’t belong to this moment alone.

“Stay here tonight,” she hears Raihan say.

She does. Lets herself be carried to the bed and falls asleep in there, his arm around her waist. His lips touch her shoulder, then her neck, his nose nuzzles her hair. There will be time to think tomorrow. For now, she needs nothing more.

They don’t tell Leon.

It’s daft to not tell him. It doesn’t make sense. She feels tense around him, and the soft looks they exchange suddenly gain a whole new level of meaning. They don’t talk about it, but Sonia is pretty sure Raihan didn’t tell him either. It’s not like it’s a secret, because it shouldn’t be.

She has never thought about sleeping with Raihan before. Leon slipped into her mind once or twice (or three, seven, eighteen times), but never Raihan.

It’s strange.

They are watching a movie – something completely unremarkable, she stops paying attention halfway in – and she is sitting between them both. At some point, Raihan’s hand found her thigh. Resting there first, then slowly travelling up and down. Every time he repeats his motions, the hand wanders just the tiniest bit higher up.

Holding Leon’s hand is nothing compared to this.

She can’t help but think about how it would be with Leon. Sweet and affectionate, she can imagine that much. He was never desperate for her. Wouldn’t drown in her. Wouldn’t touch her feverishly. Or maybe he would. She can’t be sure.

Then Raihan’s hand digs into her thigh, hard, and she lets out a gasp.

For a moment, she hopes that Leon didn’t catch it. But of course he did. He turns to her with questioning eyes, and before he can ask and find the truth on her face, she leans towards him and kisses him. After a moment of surprise, he kisses her back. Like she thought – it’s sweet. Thoughtful. Gentle, with the way he cups her cheeks, the slightest of smiles on his lips. Raihan’s hand is still on her thigh, and when she feels him shift his weight, she breaks the kiss and grabs Raihan’s hand.

She doesn’t need words. Looking into his eyes suffices. She will never get used to the hunger shining in them, she thinks. Slowly, she shoves his hand off her. Then she pushes herself up, turns to Leon, and straddles his lap. Almost instantly, her hands find a place on his shoulders. She feels her face getting hot, but forces herself to not avert her gaze.

Leon’s eyes dart from her to Raihan. “Am I missing something?”

“He teased me too much,” she answers, and mustering all her courage, she leans down and kisses him.

It’s so sweet that it makes her shiver, makes warmth climb over her spine. She moans into his mouth when Leon’s hands touch the small of her back, stroke higher, lower. She opens her eyes, tries to catch a look at Raihan between kisses. He is watching her intently. He isn’t smiling, his jaw set and his hands curled to fists. Their eyes stay locked as Leon’s lips wander lower, reach her neck, spread kisses over her shoulder.

She grins at Raihan. He doesn’t grin back.

The movie ends. Sonia’s legs are quivering when she stops their activities, excusing herself to go to the toilet. She doesn’t know how much more she would have endured otherwise. She takes her time. Tries to calm down her racing heart.

When she reenters the living room, she discovers that Raihan is alone. He’s put on a random episode of a series she recognizes. For a second, she watches the telly.

“Where’s Leon?” she eventually asks.

“Early day tomorrow,” Raihan answers. He doesn’t look at her. “Taking a shower.”

She watches the back of his head. Something pulses inside her, deeply and longingly, and she is unable to name it. She is afraid to. She isn’t sure whether to join him or to flee, so she freezes on the spot.

A glass of water, she quickly tells him, she needs a glass of water, and she doesn’t wait for an answer.

The sink is tidy. Sonia cleans it every time they cook together. They don’t do so often, because Raihan’s days are long, and Leon’s are longer, and hers feel as if they should be long. She fills a glass with cold water and downs it. Coldness sipping down her throat. As she empties the glass, she hears the bathroom door.

Leon takes a glance into the room, and when he sees her, he smiles gently. She does the same. The corners of her mouth hurt. She fears it looks like a grimace, but Leon steps closer to her. Wraps his arms around her. Pulls her to him, and she wonders how this is even possible, the person she deemed unreachable touching her so casually. He is warm. His presence is calming. She buries her face against his chest. He smells of soap, and of home.

“I’m glad you are here,” he tells her.

She doesn’t know what to say.

“Really glad.” A kiss on the top of her head. “Good night, Sonia.”

“Good night,” she mumbles.

He leaves her in coldness. From the kitchen door, she can watch him kiss Raihan good night, a quick peck on his lips. Softly stroking Raihan’s cheek before he leans away. They whisper something Sonia can’t make out, and then Leon is gone.

They are alone, Raihan and her.

It shouldn’t make her heart race. It shouldn’t make her thoughts spin. She steps into the living room again. Raihan is still looking at the telly, and her words almost get lost underneath the noises from the speakers.

“I’m going to take a shower.”

Even though she shouldn’t, she lingers. There is no reaction. Maybe that’s just part of it, she thinks. Part of what, she asks herself and finds no answer. She bites her lip and turns around. Doesn’t lock the door as she enters the bathroom. She has her own towels by now, and she always wears one of Leon’s shirts to bed. She looks at herself in the mirror as she strips. Looks into her own eyes as she pulls her hair into a knot. The tiles underneath her feet are cold. Leon’s shower is one of the fancier sort, a shower screen made of glass separating it from the rest of the room. Hot water meets her skin. She hoped for it to relax her muscles, but instead, the heat almost starts to burn on her skin.

She doesn’t flinch when the door gets opened. She doesn’t move when she hears steps behind her. The sound of clothes meeting the floor. The sound of bare feet padding over tiles. She waits. The glass is steamed over, concealing any kind of reflection. The touch is sudden, a gasp slipping from her lips. A large hand curls over hers, moves the shower head to its retainer.

“Did I tell you to join me?” She doesn’t know how he does it, drawing the worst side of her to daylight. Making her the woman she always yearned to be.

“You didn’t.”

“Then why are you here?”

“Because you are a goddamn tease.” Despite his irritated words, longing seeps into his voice.

She swats the hand on her waist away and turns around. Raihan towers over her. Her heart is doing a jump. She turns the water off, watching trickles run down his broad chest. The urge to lick her lips is too strong, and she sees him watching the movements of her tongue.

“Your turn,” she says. Her voice is quivering the tiniest bit. “If you do good, I might consider letting you stay. Go on your knees.”

For a brief moment, she thinks he will refuse. She anticipates him turning her around, grabbing her waist, and fucking her right against the wall, all the while laughing at her ridiculous attempt to wrest control. The thought is almost too much. Her breath gets stuck in her throat when he follows her order, though. Obediently, slowly, his eyes locked with hers. A soundless plea. A hunger so deep it gnaws at her stomach.

She leans against the wall behind her. Cold tiles, drops of water on her skin. He is so close to her that his warm breath tickles her skin. Her eyes are still fixed on him as she raises one leg. Slowly, she lowers her thigh onto his shoulder. His gaze wanders lower, able to see all of her. She feels her face, her whole body turn hot.

He shots her a questioning look. It’s incredible, having Raihan kneel before her. It’s incredible, feeling his trembling hand on her thigh, not moving a centimeter. She lets her fingers run through his hair, digs her nails into his scalp. A shiver goes through him.

“Go ahead.”

The words tear a low groan from his lips. He kisses the inside of her thigh, slides closer. Finally presses a kiss onto where she needs it most. She deliquesces in blissfulness, loses herself in feelings she never thought possible, sees lights she’s never discovered before.

Afterwards, they join Leon in bed. Quietly as not to wake him. Leon’s back is turned to them, and Sonia nestles against Raihan, breathes in his scent. His arms around her. His heartbeat next to her. He kisses her forehead, then kisses her, a sweet touch that makes her lips tingle and her heart race.

It’s the first time all three of them sleep in the same bed.

She scrolls through Leon’s pictures. They took some together. Innocent photos, making the three of them look happy and content with the world. Three friends enjoying their time together. Always the same comments – how cute, how lovely. Occasionally, a mean comment about how fake she looks and how stupid her hair clips are and how horrible her fashion sense is. It’s not like it bothers her too much.

The photos of him and Raihan together have the most likes. Them sharing a New Year’s kiss. It’s cute, the way Raihan has to bend down to meet Leon’s lips, and the little smile Leon shows, and how inconspicuously their fingers are intertwined. Everyone talked about them when they got together, she remembers. Hop was ecstatic back then, and his joyfulness was so pure that Sonia almost wanted to cry.

She did cry.

A hand on her bare stomach, travelling up to her chest. “And I thought I’m obsessed with my phone,” she hears him chuckle.

She locks the display and puts her phone away. “Just wanted to look something up.”

“Sure.” He strokes the curve of her waist, reaches her bum. “We could call Leon, you know. He should be finished with his work by now.”

He gabs her flesh, digs his fingers in until it hurts the tiniest bit; until it hurts just enough.

“No,” she mumbles, slides closer to kiss him. “No. That’s okay.”

A flash of a smile, she thinks. A flash of something deeply hidden coming to the surface. A flash of hungry satisfaction, and then she is kissing him already. When she closes her eyes, there is nothing to see and nothing to think about.

She closes her eyes.


End file.
